The past 12 months have been a whirlwind of experiences. I have conquered fears, achieved goals, and found out things about myself I never knew. But just like anyone else, everything was not all roses, sparkles and fairy dust. There are many things I still haven’t changed. There have been missed opportunities, and unsatisfactory situations. Pitfalls. Road blocks. Rabid monkeys. But most importantly I have grown as a person, and although life is not perfect (but really, when is it?), it has been an exciting almost magical adventure. And every day I learn to live it more fully.

Here are some notable 2009 events.

The greatest of ease
In May, I performed for the first time ever as a (fledgling) circus performer. In retrospect, it was not a big deal. It was a showcase at PSCA. Pretty much a recital for adults. My friends and family came to see me. I didn’t fall. All in all, a great success. However, at the time it was a big deal to me. I had serious stage fright and the thought of anybody watching me do anything would give me sweaty palms and make me shake. I would get nervous practicing in front of my class, which consisted of 5 people. At the showcase I performed in front of about 80 people, twice.  Ever since that night my performance anxiety has significantly decreased.  I feel more confident in class. I haven’t performed since then, but I have a feeling it will be MUCH better the next time around.

Performing in May

My mostly green thumb
May was the most notable month of the year. Not only did I perform for the first time, I moved into a large house on a dead end street in the burbs. And with this house came a garden. More like a series of gardens. A large one in the backyard, two on the side, and two up front. Planted throughout said gardens were rosemary, thyme, sage, basil, mint, lemon balm, eucalyptus, lavender, and a peach tree. It is very likely that there were many other things planted in the yard that I couldn’t identify and as a result, I soullessly ripped them from the earth.  Being completely out of my element, I consulted my two favorite resources: Google and my Mom. With their help I successfully cultivated a thriving garden all summer long resulting in a harvest of squash, tomatoes, cucumber, jalepenos, sweet potatoes and the aforementioned herbs. The whole experience was rewarding and delicious, but EGADS the mosquitoes!

My Little Garden Friend

Cohabitating
When I moved into this large house in May, I was not alone. I moved in with my long term boyfriend. After being virtually an only child (my siblings are 10+ years older than me), and then living alone for 3 years, I was sure it would probably result in a colossal failure. Thankfully, the bf and I are both solitary creatures by nature, so we mind our own corners of the house and keep things tidy. In turn, it all works out and fights are basically non-existent. I couldn’t have asked for a better roomie!

Reading & Writing
2009 was most definitely a year of words. I consumed books like a ravenous animal. (Favorite book I read this year = The Wind Up Bird Chronicle.) I read fairytales, biographies, sci-fi, spiritual, history, poetry, short stories.  I think I currently might regularly read every single blog contained within the internet. Pretty sure Google Reader might explode sometime soon.
On top of reading I have been writing much more. Actually, this year I have composed more sentences than I have in about 10 years. I used to be an avid writer. Mostly of poetry and short stories. I’m not saying I was talented or anything, but I did it. Now I am back(!), and ready to take on the blogiverse.  In 09 I have written personal pieces, and posts here and on my other blog, mostly in the later half of the year. But watch out 2010, once I figure out the basics of grammar and sentence structure I am going to assault you with my lyrical prose!

Launches and Relaunches
In July, I relaunched Chicvegan.com with a fancy new design and some pretty good content. My reader base has grown and I’m trying to make a difference within and beyond the vegan community.  Then in September I launched this here gem, unsure of what to do with it.  After attempts at a few things I decided to make it my own personal blog, because I needed that sort of thing. I wanted to devote most of my marketing/networking time to Chic Vegan, but needed an outlet for the rest of my insanity. So here she is! This will probably be the official blog for my portfolio, once that atrocity is relaunched.

Doing Nothing
This year I did a lot of nothing. I didn’t go out and socialize much. I didn’t travel. I mostly focused inward and on the things laying in front of my face. I’m not sure if this is a positive thing or not, but I do feel refreshed as if I have just come out of hibernation.

2010 in preview

My 30 things before 30 list pretty much covers all of the goals I want to achieve in the next few years. However I do want to establish and change some habits.

Stretch
I want to stretch every. single. day. No excuses. Every day. Stretch. I won’t get into the logistics of it here because I doubt it is exciting to anyone but me.

Meditate
This is my third year attempting this habit. I want to meditate everyday for 20 minutes. (*bonus: If I have yoga I can get this and stretching out of the way in one shot. sweet!)

Eat Better
Admittedly, I eat pretty damn well. I am currently vegan and (unsuccessfully) trying to cut out gluten due to health issues. I want to cut out refined sugars and processed things too. I want to eat more raw. Don’t worry, I will still have plenty of (protein and nutrient rich) things to eat. I don’t have “food issues” I just don’t like to eat crap that causes disease and discontent.

Develop Better Relationships
I’m an antisocial loner by nature. All of my life I have tried to fight this constant desire to be alone. Unfortunately, in the past few years I have come to nurture and embrace it. Honestly, I’m only about 2 years away from being the weird lady with the overgrown lawn, 58 cats and trash bags on her windows.  In recent years I have made it a point to cut people out of my life that were creating negative energy and drama. While doing that I managed to avoid communication with a lot of other people. Some who meant very much to me.  If they will allow it, this year I would like to win them back. While I’m at it I would like to turn my awesome acquaintances into good friends, and develop new and beautiful relationships. I also have to reckon with some very close relationships and decide if they are worth saving. Yay life!

Write Everyday
In the past few months (ok, maybe just the past month) I’ve been doing really good with this. I would like to be able to write for at least 2 hours every day. It can be anything from emails to blog posts to gospels. Whatever.

Nurture my creativity
I started carrying around an “idea notebook” that I write all my random thoughts and ideas in. My excuse has always been that I “don’t have the time” to be creative because I am doing all of these other things I hate anyway. What nonsense.  I want to think more openly and spend more time creating beautiful things this year.

Make a Difference
Most importantly, I want to do something to make a difference. Maybe not to the whole world, but at least some people. I’m still not sure of the Plan Of Action here. Volunteer? Invent something? Provide  a Service? I guess that is where creativity comes into play.

The idea is that, before they are conditioned not to, kids live in the moment. They don’t watch the clock or set a schedule of what toys they can play with at certain times. They go with their feelings and enjoy every moment. And for that, children are happy, unique little souls. As they grow older, they get more rules applied to their lives and are constantly being told what is “normal” and right. They hide the original part of themselves deep down inside and cover it up with ideas and actions that belong to others. Then these children go to school, then college and then get jobs. Then those children become me and you.

When I was a kid…

I had dreams. I wanted to be an FBI agent, a dancer, a writer, a veterinarian. All at the same time.  Every day was a magical journey and my imagination would take me somewhere new.  I slept when I wanted (bedtimes existed… but that is what a flashlight and a book is for, my friends), ate when I was hungry, and did whatever my heart desired. I most definitely was not a slave to the clock, or to anyone else’s expectations.  I was my own island, and if anybody needed me they could paddle out and join me.

Growing up

Unlike most, I remained on my own island through most of my schooling. I didn’t care much for grades and didn’t dress or act to please anyone else. I’m not sure when it changed, but one day I woke up and realized that people do in fact look at me, and in turn they make judgments. (Looking back, that is when all my problems began.) As time inched forward I began realize I had no path in life, like everyone else seemed to have. I was told that doing things based on a purely emotional response would never get me anywhere noteworthy. I began to make lists. My whole life was placed in notebooks and was organized into a series of checklists. I fought against the clock.  Once I graduated college and spent a few years in the “real world” I began to worry about things like savings accounts and health insurance. Now I find myself at the point where everything in my life is just a means to an end. I rarely do something just to enjoy it. I am in a creative industry but I feel like my creativity is squashed by all of the Do’s and Don’ts and other controlling factors in my life. My instinct takes second fiddle to logic and reason. I am officially an adult but deep inside my inner child is screaming and crying to be let out.

I want to be a child again

What is really so wrong with a child’s mentality?  Who says that at a certain point we have to just grow up and drop everything we feel is right? Who says we have to needlessly worry about things and events that aren’t even necessary?  I for one miss impromptu naps, fort building and laying in the grass watching the clouds form elephants with mustaches. I want to be able to do these things without looming thoughts of student loan bills and laundry. I don’t want to be a slave to time, or anything else.

Is being present, enough?

Yes, I know the answer to this dilemma… be present. I’ve read Eckhart Tolle, and the Tao and many other zen-minded philosophy books about “being in the now”. I practice yoga. I most certainly am not in a state of presence during most times in my life, but I am aware of what it is and how to get there. But even if I made it there, is that enough? If you find complete and utter presence in everything you do, then does creativity and security with oneself follow suit?  Will presence allow you to quit your job and spend the day making panda bears out of cotton balls? Only time will tell.

“If you have built castles in the air, your work need not be lost; that is where they should be. Now put the foundations under them.” -Walden, Henry David Thoreau

*Photo by Gustavo Rodrìguez

My absolute favorite part of this book is when he points out the problem with our culture of worshiping entertainment. Keep in mind this book was written in the 80′s, but it is oh so relevant today. It seems like today everyone is completely lost without their cell phones, the Internet, television, or games. Most people are so consumed with what everyone else is doing, that they forget about themselves.

“The tremendous leisure industry that has arisen in the last few generations has been designed to help fill free time with enjoyable experiences. Nevertheless, instead of using our physical and mental resources to experience flow, most of us spend many hours each week watching celebrated athletes playing in enormous stadiums. Instead of making music, we listen to platinum records cut by millionaire musicians. Instead
of making art, we go admire paintings that brought in the highest bids at the latest auctions. We do not run risks acting on our own beliefs, but occupy hours each day watching actors who pretend to have adventures, engaged in mock-meaningful action.
This vicarious participation is able to mask, at least temporarily, the underlying emptiness of wasted time. But it is a very pale substitute for attention invested in real challenges. The flow experience that results from the use of skills leads to growth; passive entertainment leads nowhere. Collectively we are wasting each year the equivalent of millions of years of human consciousness. The energy that could be used to focus on complex goals, to provide for enjoyable growth, is squandered on patterns of simulation that only mimic reality. Mass leisure, mass culture, and even high culture when attended to passively and for extrinsic reasons — such as the wish to flaunt one’s status — are parasites of the mind. They absorb psychic energy without providing substantive strength in return. They leave us more exhausted, more disheartened than we were before.”

What are you doing with your life? Are you wasting time passively consuming culture? Are you living a life you don’t really want because cause it is “just what you do”? Or are you a creating a life that is all your own?

Go my child…live and love -that’s all you need to do.