Reviewing the past year made me a bit uneasy. 2011 was not a good year for me. The beginning of 2011 started off as looking incredibly promising. I had a sweet new office space, a brand new LLC, and was living in my dream city. Then things started to slowly fall apart. I couldn’t find my focus and I became removed and depressed. Then – BAM – I was living back on the East Coast in a place that left me uninspired and even more depressed. Needless to say, 2011 was a big, fat, shitty flop for me.  It felt like all the progress I had made in my life up until that point meant nothing and I had rolled back down the hill.

Although I have high hopes for 2012, the act of planning still left me with an empty feeling in my gut. There was something missing in my life and in my planning process that I couldn’t quite put my finger on. Then I remembered what year we were rolling into: 2012 – THE YEAR THE WORLD ENDS!

For those of you unfamiliar - The Mayan Calender, one of the most prophetic writings ever, ends on December 21, 2012 (The Winter Solstice). This has caused many “experts” to believe that the world will end in less than a year from now. There are also many other fun theories surrounding  this date. It could be the beginning of a global shift in consciousness. It could be when singularity starts to happen. (There is a really cool book called The Mystery of 2012 that poses all the possibilities that scientists and gurus alike think that this date holds.)

To be clear – I love end of world theories. I read my horoscope even though I think astrology is total bullshit. My modus operandi is to indulge, scoff, and then entertain that little voice in the back of my head that says “But what if it is truuueee?”.  It is fun to dive into the unknown and to think about possibilities that most people would consider absurd.

The little voice in the back of my head asked me a silly question yesterday. “What if the world DOES end on December 21, 2012?? What would you do with your last year on Earth? How would you make the most of your life? How would you avoid what happened last year?” And then the big voice in the front of my head said, “AHA! The world is totally not ending on December 21, 2012. BUT you need to live your life like it will.”  Then I began to write goals that would really change my life. Goals that will make 2012 the most meaningful year ever. At that point my little nagging hole of uncertainty began to fill up.

If 2012 was my last year to live, what would I do?

Have better relationships
I am antisocial by nature and as time has gone by I have become more misanthropic and closed off with my friends and family. I don’t speak with my family and long-distance friends that often. I find it hard to make new friends, and I never let the ones close to me know how much they really matter. In my last year I would like to be a huge bundle of radiant love, and let everyone I know how much they truly mean to me. I want to take down my walls and build bridges.

Love myself
Self-love is hard for most people, women in particular. Every day we are being bombarded with messages that we are not skinny, smart, successful or sexy enough. I have found myself in a whirlwind of self-improvement for the past 5 years. Why do I feel like I am not good enough right now and I need to be improved? Even if I don’t complete anything else in 2012, I want to fall in love with myself and accept who I really am, regardless of what anyone else believes.

Explore
If you have looked for me at any time in the last few months, you would have found me in my apartment, in my pajamas, basking in the glow of my monitor. I am in a new city and I have hardly explored it. I have the whole world at my fingertips and the ability to get up and go, but I have locked myself in a cage of blog reading and sweatpants. In my last moments, I want to explore my physical surroundings at all times, looking at everything with “new eyes” and the curiosity of a child. I also want to explore mentally by learning new things and discovering secrets hidden in my own mind.

Travel abroad
I am almost 29 years old and I have still not traveled outside of the USA. FOR SHAME! I want to spend 2012 traveling to new places and exploring new cultures! New Zealand and Tokyo, here I come!!

Create big things
Nothing feels better than creating something bigger than yourself that can help other people in profound ways. It is the one thing that I have always wanted to do but I feel that I have not really attained. I spend most of my time learning about what other people have created and being envious.  I plan to make 2012 a year of creation and innovation.

Have a home
I am a homebody and love spending time curled up with my boy and my kitten. The fact that I have lived 5 different places in 6 years, tears my heart out. I am aching to have a permanent home that I can nest into and build a stable life. This may seem like a silly goal to set if the world is going to end in a few months, but even if I get 3 months of that feeling of “home”, it will be worth it.

Skydive
This one is simple. It is something I have always wanted to do. I’m doing it this year.

Become more spiritual
I am not a religious person, but I am very spiritual. In the past few months I have found myself tapping more into that side of myself.  Spirituality is profoundly important if the end is near! I want to get more clear on what I truly believe this year and tap into the energies that are within and around me.

Do impossible things
In 2012, I want to do things that most people would consider impossible. I want to invoke Oohs and Aahs. I want to bend beliefs. Defy convention. I want to make people think differently.

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This whole idea takes the trite saying, “live every day like it is your last” and puts an end date on it. A deadline.  It takes an improbable theory and makes it an undeniable truth. It creates urgency in your everyday life to not miss out. Sometimes it is easy to stay inside on a beautiful day, blow off your friends to stay home and watch Netflix instant, or troll the internet instead of creating meaningful and lasting projects. But what if you only had a few nice days left?  What if your friends were only going to be around for a few more months? What if you needed to do something BIG before it is all over? Wouldn’t your life me more genuine and fulfilling? Would you be completely and totally present?

If the world were ending any day, would you stay at that job you despise? Would you spend your nights watching reality TV? Would you do things that make you feel awful or good? Would you reconcile with an old friend or lover?

How would you spend every day to make sure you were getting the most out of it?

I’d really like to do this one day!

Lately I have been scared. Scared of uncertainty. Scared of change. Of becoming a better person. Of embarking on a new journey and leaving things behind. I am in a state of limbo, it seems. Between evolution and stagnant mediocrity. While you would think the choice would be easy, it is tremendously hard.

I will be posting here much more. Details to come soon.

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I have a Pinterest page that you should follow.

I also have a Tumblr.

I’m still here. Just hiding. Trying to figure out life and dodging the blows. I’ll be posting again real soon. Promise. For now just enjoy the sweet words of Jeff Buckley.

found here

Victoria Beckham in Vogue Germany. found here

Icelandic Volcano vs. Northern lights. found here.

Teepee vs. Northern Lights. found here.

Random Mark Ryden. found here.

I like her fancy sock-things. found here.

found here.

Tara McPherson <3. Found here.

My favorite photo of Marilyn.. ever.

Do you already have an inspiration folder? If so, whats in it?

Oh hey! Guess what? I live in Portland, Oregon now.  During my last visit to the City of Roses I decided that I had to live there, and I had to do it as soon as possible or else it was never going to happen. I rationalized this with the fact that I’m still relatively young, and I don’t have anything tying me down. Why live in the ugliest and most crowded state in the country (NJ) and work a job that leaves me in a stagnant pool of unfulfillment?  So, Doodlebug (who had the same thoughts as me) and I packed up and headed West. We were completely relocated in less than 60 days after we made our decision. Here is how we did it.

Sell  Everything

Well, maybe not EVERYTHING. We sold or donated all of our furniture, anything breakable (that wasn’t sentimental) , and anything that had been sitting in storage for over a year.  We sold everything on Craigslist, and although it was a lot of work rustling through incoherent emails and dealing with shady characters showing up at the house, we got a pretty penny for most of our stuff.  We were left with clothes, books, a dehydrator,  juicer, and random other important/sentimental things.

Ship Everything

We were lucky enough to have access to some phenomenal bulk shipping rates.  So we packed everything up, stuck it on a few pallets, shrink wrapped it and then sent them on their merry way to Portlandtown. We fit our whole entire life onto 3 pallets!  It took about 4-5 days for them to arrive, at which point Doodles was already there. Surprisingly enough, nothing arrived damaged!

Sell or Ship the Car

Portland is known for it’s sensational public transit system and bike friendly streets, so a car is really not needed. However there are tons of things to do in Oregon and Washington states, (One of those things is to just drive around with your mouth agape admiring the beautiful landscape.) so if you are into outdoorsy type stuff a car would be needed. I decided to get rid of my car because it was over 8 years old, and also because I am way past my expiration date to be driving around in a bright yellow vehicle. Doodlebug kept his truck although it is kind of impractical for city living. He shipped it for around $1,000. It took about 2 weeks past the initial pick-up date to actually get picked up, and then took 12 days to make it here.  But it is here and will soon be traded in for a Subaru Outback (crossing my fingers!).

SaveSaveSave!

We pinched and saved every penny we could. On top of my full time job, I started working part time at the restaurant I worked at in college. We put away every cent we made from selling our stuff. All of the saved money is going to new furniture and to supporting our lame asses since we are both unemployed!

Split Up

Doodlebug went out a week before I did to set up the apartment and get essential things like a mattress and toilet paper. I stayed in Jersey and finished up things at the house. It was a lonely week but it saved time and also insured that if one of us forgot something we would have it covered.

Why?

Most people assume that I relocated due to a job, as if that is the only reason people ever move a great distance. Truth is.. I don’t have a job. I don’t even really want a job, at least not one where I sit in a dingy office for 8 hours a day. This is not because I’m lazy or unmotivated. I simply don’t want to live a typical existence. I don’t want to punch the time-clock and count down the days until retirement (or death).  I want to go out and explore and be creative and meet new people – and I wasn’t going to do that in Philly. Me and Philadelphia had fun, but we were over each other.  I didn’t move to Portland to escape anything. I moved here to FIND something. Sometimes you need a totally fresh environment to get yourself thinking differently and exploring new options. I’ve found, in the short time that I’ve been living here, that I have a better idea of what I really want from life and what kind of person I want to be. Get ready new city, I’m gonna rock your world!

Here is your obligatory illustrated quote of the day. A Nietzsche quote nonetheless!

I know -  it’s been a while. I have lots to share. Including some big checkmarks next to stuff on my 30 before 30 list. Stay tuned.

via Ridingwithstrangers

The past 12 months have been a whirlwind of experiences. I have conquered fears, achieved goals, and found out things about myself I never knew. But just like anyone else, everything was not all roses, sparkles and fairy dust. There are many things I still haven’t changed. There have been missed opportunities, and unsatisfactory situations. Pitfalls. Road blocks. Rabid monkeys. But most importantly I have grown as a person, and although life is not perfect (but really, when is it?), it has been an exciting almost magical adventure. And every day I learn to live it more fully.

Here are some notable 2009 events.

The greatest of ease
In May, I performed for the first time ever as a (fledgling) circus performer. In retrospect, it was not a big deal. It was a showcase at PSCA. Pretty much a recital for adults. My friends and family came to see me. I didn’t fall. All in all, a great success. However, at the time it was a big deal to me. I had serious stage fright and the thought of anybody watching me do anything would give me sweaty palms and make me shake. I would get nervous practicing in front of my class, which consisted of 5 people. At the showcase I performed in front of about 80 people, twice.  Ever since that night my performance anxiety has significantly decreased.  I feel more confident in class. I haven’t performed since then, but I have a feeling it will be MUCH better the next time around.

Performing in May

My mostly green thumb
May was the most notable month of the year. Not only did I perform for the first time, I moved into a large house on a dead end street in the burbs. And with this house came a garden. More like a series of gardens. A large one in the backyard, two on the side, and two up front. Planted throughout said gardens were rosemary, thyme, sage, basil, mint, lemon balm, eucalyptus, lavender, and a peach tree. It is very likely that there were many other things planted in the yard that I couldn’t identify and as a result, I soullessly ripped them from the earth.  Being completely out of my element, I consulted my two favorite resources: Google and my Mom. With their help I successfully cultivated a thriving garden all summer long resulting in a harvest of squash, tomatoes, cucumber, jalepenos, sweet potatoes and the aforementioned herbs. The whole experience was rewarding and delicious, but EGADS the mosquitoes!

My Little Garden Friend

Cohabitating
When I moved into this large house in May, I was not alone. I moved in with my long term boyfriend. After being virtually an only child (my siblings are 10+ years older than me), and then living alone for 3 years, I was sure it would probably result in a colossal failure. Thankfully, the bf and I are both solitary creatures by nature, so we mind our own corners of the house and keep things tidy. In turn, it all works out and fights are basically non-existent. I couldn’t have asked for a better roomie!

Reading & Writing
2009 was most definitely a year of words. I consumed books like a ravenous animal. (Favorite book I read this year = The Wind Up Bird Chronicle.) I read fairytales, biographies, sci-fi, spiritual, history, poetry, short stories.  I think I currently might regularly read every single blog contained within the internet. Pretty sure Google Reader might explode sometime soon.
On top of reading I have been writing much more. Actually, this year I have composed more sentences than I have in about 10 years. I used to be an avid writer. Mostly of poetry and short stories. I’m not saying I was talented or anything, but I did it. Now I am back(!), and ready to take on the blogiverse.  In 09 I have written personal pieces, and posts here and on my other blog, mostly in the later half of the year. But watch out 2010, once I figure out the basics of grammar and sentence structure I am going to assault you with my lyrical prose!

Launches and Relaunches
In July, I relaunched Chicvegan.com with a fancy new design and some pretty good content. My reader base has grown and I’m trying to make a difference within and beyond the vegan community.  Then in September I launched this here gem, unsure of what to do with it.  After attempts at a few things I decided to make it my own personal blog, because I needed that sort of thing. I wanted to devote most of my marketing/networking time to Chic Vegan, but needed an outlet for the rest of my insanity. So here she is! This will probably be the official blog for my portfolio, once that atrocity is relaunched.

Doing Nothing
This year I did a lot of nothing. I didn’t go out and socialize much. I didn’t travel. I mostly focused inward and on the things laying in front of my face. I’m not sure if this is a positive thing or not, but I do feel refreshed as if I have just come out of hibernation.

2010 in preview

My 30 things before 30 list pretty much covers all of the goals I want to achieve in the next few years. However I do want to establish and change some habits.

Stretch
I want to stretch every. single. day. No excuses. Every day. Stretch. I won’t get into the logistics of it here because I doubt it is exciting to anyone but me.

Meditate
This is my third year attempting this habit. I want to meditate everyday for 20 minutes. (*bonus: If I have yoga I can get this and stretching out of the way in one shot. sweet!)

Eat Better
Admittedly, I eat pretty damn well. I am currently vegan and (unsuccessfully) trying to cut out gluten due to health issues. I want to cut out refined sugars and processed things too. I want to eat more raw. Don’t worry, I will still have plenty of (protein and nutrient rich) things to eat. I don’t have “food issues” I just don’t like to eat crap that causes disease and discontent.

Develop Better Relationships
I’m an antisocial loner by nature. All of my life I have tried to fight this constant desire to be alone. Unfortunately, in the past few years I have come to nurture and embrace it. Honestly, I’m only about 2 years away from being the weird lady with the overgrown lawn, 58 cats and trash bags on her windows.  In recent years I have made it a point to cut people out of my life that were creating negative energy and drama. While doing that I managed to avoid communication with a lot of other people. Some who meant very much to me.  If they will allow it, this year I would like to win them back. While I’m at it I would like to turn my awesome acquaintances into good friends, and develop new and beautiful relationships. I also have to reckon with some very close relationships and decide if they are worth saving. Yay life!

Write Everyday
In the past few months (ok, maybe just the past month) I’ve been doing really good with this. I would like to be able to write for at least 2 hours every day. It can be anything from emails to blog posts to gospels. Whatever.

Nurture my creativity
I started carrying around an “idea notebook” that I write all my random thoughts and ideas in. My excuse has always been that I “don’t have the time” to be creative because I am doing all of these other things I hate anyway. What nonsense.  I want to think more openly and spend more time creating beautiful things this year.

Make a Difference
Most importantly, I want to do something to make a difference. Maybe not to the whole world, but at least some people. I’m still not sure of the Plan Of Action here. Volunteer? Invent something? Provide  a Service? I guess that is where creativity comes into play.